Shades of Red

I felt inspired to write this since there are many songs and poems written about heartbreak.

Many people who have been through what I've been through.

The soul crushing heartbreak.

Leaving your heart shattered into a million pieces.

With the hope that one day reuniting seems like a distant dream.

One that you go in and out of subconsciously.

It's been years but the scabs are still existent.

Lately I can't help but pick at them.

Leaving me with bloody and deeper scars.

You don't just move on from someone you loved for years.

Neither do you replace them with a rebound.

It isn't that simple.

Although I believe you can move forward with your life.

Truth is few of us have a happily ever after.

The Perfect Sacrifice

I've struggled with lust for quite some years. 

I thought I could handle it on my own.

How self-righteous of me.

Thinking I am the ruler of my life.

False idolatry.

I found out that I cannot do anything without God,

and that makes me feel so small.

So incompetent. 

Since the world tells us you can save yourself.

I'm here to tell you that you cannot.

Yet, He loves me despite my sin. 

He loves you too, despite your sin.

That's why Jesus had to die a horrific death.

All of God's wrath is put into One. 

The perfect sacrifice. 

Afterlife

Does anyone else wonder about the afterlife?

I mean what really happens after we die?

Did you know there's another world we can't see?

Heaven is said to have many mansions with no more death, sorrow, or pain. 

Hell is described as a lake of fire with wailing and gnashing of teeth. 

The truth is we all have an appointed time to die.

Hebrews 9:27 says as it is appointed unto men once to die but after this the judgment.

So why do we spend all this time on Earth trying to create riches and notoriety? 

We can't take any of this stuff with us to the grave.

That's why I need a savior because nothing else worked. 

Or it worked for a season,

then it vanished leaving me empty and full of regret.

As I speak from experience,

knowing there is a real God gives us hope and gives me peace. 

So it beckons me to ask, do you know where you'll go after you die? 

Maybe you don't care but know that's one of life's most important questions.

Fragility

Every morning I wake up and take the train four stops down to Westlake.

This morning was different.

I was reminded of how fragile life can be.

How our next stop toward death could be right around the corner. 

My grandmother passed away this morning with no sound, 

just peacefully in her sleep. 

We're foolish to think if we've got time for anything less than meaningful.

Yet I still ponder my time off like I wasn't living on borrowed time.

The Story of Grief

They told me to get over someone you must get under someone else.

They said time heals all wounds.

I'm here to tell you I tried, and it didn't work but it served its purpose.

The anger that I hold inside,

the grief of knowing love like hers.

She was my lighthouse, without her,

I felt lost.

Aimlessly wandering.

I thought she was mine forever.

What do I miss about her most you ask?

I'd say her nurturing side,

how she always had time to listen to my manic thoughts. 

She held me and hooked me with her tenderness.

Her love was like the sun,

the longer it stayed out the more you get burned.

And in the end, I did end up burning.

I burned so much that I became a phoenix,

rising from the ashes.

3 years passing. 

Dear Marie

It's me. 

Your daughter. 

The one you put up for adoption when you were 17.

I wish I could remember the last time you held me. 

I wish I could remember what you smelled like. 

I often wonder what my name would've been.

I wonder how similar we could be. 

Do you ever miss me?

Have you ever tried looking for me? 

Can't say I didn't try looking for you.

The last place I checked burned down,

along with all the records. 

I want to know all the places you've been to.

I want to know all the things you've learned and accomplished. 

Do you ever tell anyone about me? 

Do I have any half brothers or sisters? 

Where the hell are you Marie?

With deep holes in my heart, 

I'll keep searching for you. 

Even if it's my last breath. 

True Life: I am Bipolar

Last year I was involuntarily hospitalized for 4 weeks. 

After learning about the diagnosis, 

I chose to live in complete denial. 

After all, I'm perfect, right?

Growing up in a Latino household,

you don't ask for help.

You fix it yourself,

whatever the problem. 

Now that my perfectionist image is shattered, I'm breaking the cycle. 

My highs and lows are more extreme than the average.

When I'm manic, it feels like I can conquer the world. 

Then comes the depressive episodes, I call it the comedown. 

As a caged bird, I'm trapped inside my head. 

So I lock myself away,

for nobody to see

how fragile I am. 

The lesson here is to treat everyone kindly.

You don't know about the silent battles they're fighting.